just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
