Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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