I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
