somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
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