remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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