i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Randomize
