Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize