im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
