My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
You made out with two different species that night
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Randomize
