so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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