Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
