I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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