My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
