if i can run in heels then i can drive
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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