Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Randomize
