I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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