there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
