Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
True strength comes from lack of pants
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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