Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
