So drunk its hurt
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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