I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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