I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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