While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
