Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Randomize
