You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
