If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
