He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
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