When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Randomize
