why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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