when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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