I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
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