i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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