I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
you made out with another girl for some wings
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize