I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
