u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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