Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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