I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
