I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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