I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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