i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Randomize