I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
