some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
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