4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Please don't give away my fajitas
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize