don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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