Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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