Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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