this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
