my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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