are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
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