I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
