strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
