Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
