I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Let the clothes fall where they may.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
