Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
