I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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