The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize