No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
