a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
