At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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