I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize