I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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