The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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