New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
It's official drugs can't kill me
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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