The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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