I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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