You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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